This Is My Story, This Is My Song

Let's resolve this awful controversy for once and for all time. What is the worst pop song of all time?

I limit the discussion to "pop song" for two reasons. First, I don't want to debate whether or not some Klezmer punk ditty is so bad it is good, or visa versa. That discussion is more or less a discussion about the merits of the idea that gave birth to song, and not a discussion of the song itself. I mean, once you think of the idea of doing Bartók backwards on an electrified banjo, the point of how the song sounds gets overwhelmed.

Second, there have been so many discussions of this subject that have nominated and elected great-but-flawed songs, where the deciding factor has been the flaw, no matter whether the flaw was inherent in the song or not. Such as ...

(1) Stairway to Heaven, Freebird, Layla. This type of song is typically some sort of overwrought and iconic rock epic that has been played to death, pretty much since the day the song was released. Which in the case of Skynyrd - a wonderful, wonderful band - is not meant to be taken literally. People mistake being annoyed by repetition for true woefulness. The songs themselves are really not that bad.

(2) MacArthur Park. Now why this song gets put on worst-of-all-time lists, I just don't get. It's the immature work of a genius. Sure, Jimmy Webb overreached here. By about a mile. But the melody is great, the lyrics are weird, but no weirder than most of the crap from 1968 - 1970 [I just checked in to see what condition my condition was in?] And the performance by Richard Harris? Let's chalk that up to the William Shatner, David Hemmings, David McCallum, Bill Cosby school of "Hey, I'm an actor - let's see if I can do other things, too!" In the case of Harris, he performed at least as well as the others. But not nearly as well as David Soul.

(3) Honey, Daddy Don't You Walk So Fast, Tie A Yellow Ribbon, You're Having My Baby. These songs are treacly and are therefore justly hated. I understand why these maudlin, sappy, crappy little turds are hated. But ... don't we hate ourselves when we feel these emotions? These songs just remind us of our weaknesses, they serve it back at us just like a Björn Borg backhand. And we take it in our shorts. We're weak, we write weak songs, we secretly like them and then we hate ourselves. Get over it people, it's not the song -- it's us.

(4) [Grab bag of "I hate the genre or artist, so I hate the song"]. This includes rap, hip hop, Christian rock, John Denver, Jethro Tull, the Carpenters, Abba and so forth. I understand this, and I do not think all genres and artists are created equal, but seriously folks, there are a lot of people out there who love Rush. I'm not about to dismiss all of these people, no matter how much I detest the strangulated vocal warblings of Geddy Lee.

I could go on like this for hours ... but I would deprive you of what I believe to be the worst song of all time.

First, some clues.

• This song was by a band that was a one-hit wonder. Thank the good Lord, this band had no other hits [despite what their web site says.]


• This song has a marimba solo. That alone should seal the deal. To me, it sounds like a xylophone.


• The lead singer prefaces each chorus with a smarmy little "heh heh heh" style laugh. Creeeeeeeeeeeeepy.


• One of the members of this duo was the musical director for Liberace in the early 1970s. I wonder what the interview for that job consisted of ...


• One Amazon reviewer rightly describes the lyrics as being "porn friendly." True, true.


• Did this group's name serve as inspiration for a much-hated corporate behemoth? Debatable.

This odious, awful song is the musical equivalent of a Member's Only jacket coupled with knock-off Vaurnet cat-eyes. Try humming the melody to the song - you'll find that it doesn't have one. The lyrics? As vapid as they get. Andrea True approaches profundity compared to this idiotic song. You can't hum it, you can't dance to it, the lyrics are forgettable and the musicianship is worthy of any Holiday Inn lounge in 1975.

Here is the song. Here are the lyrics. You decide.