Die Sweet Baby Elm

I'm having two giant elm trees removed from my backyard tomorrow. I really like trees, and it grieves me to no end [1. because I like trees, and 2. because it is costing me a bunch of money] to do this. But do this I must for a whole host of reasons, mainly it is ruining the flatscape in my backyard, it continually makes my pool unusable and the leaves are EVERYWHERE. But mainly, these trees just get monstrously huge and my smallish backyard simply cannot accommodate one of these behemoths, let alone two. So soon I will have none.

The tree guy said that these elm trees get huge in under ten years, and that mine - the tallest trees on the block - are likely just babies.

I will genuinely miss the chattering badass squirrel who comes each morning to chew out my dog. What will that squirrel do now for entertainment?

[If you look closely in the photo, in the bottom left you can see my dog looking for something to bark at. The squirrel, naturally, is under deep cover.]

Colin Cowherd spent the better part of his show this morning talking about what a great book Harry Potter and the Cadre of Mindless Idiots is [whatever the title is for this installment] because the book sells. And then he spoke at length at how ridiculous and pretentious readers and writers who believe in literature are. His point: if it doesn't sell, it isn't swell.

I have to stop listening to his show. Here is why: not only does he advance arguments that are supported with idiotic statements [the former is an example of that], the show itself is more self-referential than Rickey Henderson. Most of the time, he talks about why he is talking about what he is talking about, and why he isn't talking about [something more interesting]. And it is usually the sort of situation where he will talk about something crass, and then rub your nose in it by saying that he isn't talking about something less crass because ... crass sells!

For example, he will talk about College Football in April [when absolutely nothing is going on in College Football] for ten minutes, then he'll spend five minutes talking about why he isn't talking about [your favorite topic, such as baseball]. Well, if you ain't gonna talk about it, then why are you talking about it? I know the answer to that one already. But it seems to be an awfully porous way to drum up controversy to me.

And he is another in a legion of sports talk hosts who will talk about celebs, the Academy Awards, politics, the weather, their grandmother, Carrot Top, whathaveyou, rather than sports most of the time.

Being self-referential [and self-mythologizing .. EIB anyone? Talent on loan from God, anyone?] is partly how Limbaugh got to be so huge. I'd have more respect for him, but it always seemed to me that Limbaugh had the most unconscious sycophants for listeners. Made the show unseemly to me. Like playing against the Washington Generals. I like some dissent, it's good for the soul. Limbaugh would always construct the dumbest straw man and then blow it up with a howitzer. Sort of reminded me of the Andy Kaufman routine where he would argue against himself, doing both voices ...

If I could make it through ten minutes of NPR without the self-congratulatory [We're smart! We care! We went to college!] tone of the whole damn thing ... don't get me started on all-time worst interviewer, Terry Gross.

I would like to have the real ungloved Michael Jackson back. Or Phil Hendrie. Or both. At this point, I'd settle for Jim Bohannon, Hudson & Landry, Loman & Barkley, Frank Dill [with or without Mike Cleary] or Bruce Williams ....